A nice thing about not being in school for a few months is that you are not in school. The bad thing about not being in school is NOT being in school, not having distractions or a never-ending to-do list that keeps you pretty busy.
I have a lot of time to reflect, which is great, but when I am not swamped in things to do, I feel as though I am watching people go busy like cars speeding past me. It has made me realize just how BUSY we live our lives. One thing after the other, say hello to this person and that, remember to respond to a text and forget another.
I have always counted how many years I've aged in association to what grade I'm in, how many years left until graduation, how many years until I can drive, how many years until...etc. This year has not been about counting backward, however. In terms of school, I've felt stagnant. However, that's given me time to think of my life in terms of my age rather than my academic age, which let me tell you is not that fun when you find yourself with more free time than you had before.
My life is moving forward along with everyone else's, however I have realized that being in school left me so consumed by my own list of concerns, interests, goals, that I was not too affected by anyone else's concerns/interests/goals. While my life is moving forward now, it is not at the pace it used to be, so I am fully aware of those who are still consumed by their own lists of concerns/interests/goals.
And I am afraid of what my own ego and busy-ness did to those I love.
Over the past few days that this feeling has been hitting me, I have been having random flashbacks to moments of my childhood that I am nostalgic for.
I want to run around in the summer time playing tag with my friends. I want to buy ice cream at the end of a hot day of playing outside, and I want to feel the ice cream melt on my hands without being worried about how bad it would look. I miss laughing during animated movies. I mean a deep laugh from the inside of my belly. I miss standing in front of the mirror with my childhood best friend and singing with hair brushes. I want us to make more home dance videos that we will be too ashamed to ever look back at years later. I miss having enough time to talk to certain people in my life so often that I could tell their tone from their texts, and I would instantly know if something was wrong. I want to build a fort of mattresses and blankets with my brother and sister and convince ourselves we had built an architectural masterpiece that was so much better than our bedrooms. I want to hop into my pink "Barbie car" and drive around the neighborhood, dreaming of the days I'd drive on the roads with a real one.
I want to tell that little girl that things only get harder, that the real world is a terrifying place to be in. It is great, don't get me wrong, but there are too many moments that serve as reality checks that make me want to run back and hide in the fort of mattresses and blankets, my brother and sister sitting in there waiting for me.
Everyone's life is racing, including my own sometimes, that I feel that I am finally settling into my actual age. This may sound silly, but I am feeling more adult and less youth in these past few months. I am watching my friends look more adult as all our lives start to have more adult concerns and important moments.
They are fun and beautiful and exciting to watch and be a part of, but there is also a numb and nagging ache that feels much like the growing pain in our knees when we were growing taller. It's not a pain we can control, but we must cope with. At some point we will be taller, older, and settle into that part of our lives, that age, no matter how much it hurts, how much changes, or who we become and lose along the way. It is part of growing up.
However, let us be comfortable to admit that yes, it hurts. It hurts to see these dynamics change, relationships change, people change as we all grow up and follow these lists of concerns/interests/goals. Things will never be the same again, and I'll be the first to admit that as happy as it makes me, it also leaves me with a hovering feeling of sorrow I cannot shake off.
Like everyone else, I will grow too. Until then, I'll be hiding within the fort of mattresses as much as possible.
I have a lot of time to reflect, which is great, but when I am not swamped in things to do, I feel as though I am watching people go busy like cars speeding past me. It has made me realize just how BUSY we live our lives. One thing after the other, say hello to this person and that, remember to respond to a text and forget another.
I have always counted how many years I've aged in association to what grade I'm in, how many years left until graduation, how many years until I can drive, how many years until...etc. This year has not been about counting backward, however. In terms of school, I've felt stagnant. However, that's given me time to think of my life in terms of my age rather than my academic age, which let me tell you is not that fun when you find yourself with more free time than you had before.
My life is moving forward along with everyone else's, however I have realized that being in school left me so consumed by my own list of concerns, interests, goals, that I was not too affected by anyone else's concerns/interests/goals. While my life is moving forward now, it is not at the pace it used to be, so I am fully aware of those who are still consumed by their own lists of concerns/interests/goals.
And I am afraid of what my own ego and busy-ness did to those I love.
Over the past few days that this feeling has been hitting me, I have been having random flashbacks to moments of my childhood that I am nostalgic for.
I want to run around in the summer time playing tag with my friends. I want to buy ice cream at the end of a hot day of playing outside, and I want to feel the ice cream melt on my hands without being worried about how bad it would look. I miss laughing during animated movies. I mean a deep laugh from the inside of my belly. I miss standing in front of the mirror with my childhood best friend and singing with hair brushes. I want us to make more home dance videos that we will be too ashamed to ever look back at years later. I miss having enough time to talk to certain people in my life so often that I could tell their tone from their texts, and I would instantly know if something was wrong. I want to build a fort of mattresses and blankets with my brother and sister and convince ourselves we had built an architectural masterpiece that was so much better than our bedrooms. I want to hop into my pink "Barbie car" and drive around the neighborhood, dreaming of the days I'd drive on the roads with a real one.
I want to tell that little girl that things only get harder, that the real world is a terrifying place to be in. It is great, don't get me wrong, but there are too many moments that serve as reality checks that make me want to run back and hide in the fort of mattresses and blankets, my brother and sister sitting in there waiting for me.
Everyone's life is racing, including my own sometimes, that I feel that I am finally settling into my actual age. This may sound silly, but I am feeling more adult and less youth in these past few months. I am watching my friends look more adult as all our lives start to have more adult concerns and important moments.
They are fun and beautiful and exciting to watch and be a part of, but there is also a numb and nagging ache that feels much like the growing pain in our knees when we were growing taller. It's not a pain we can control, but we must cope with. At some point we will be taller, older, and settle into that part of our lives, that age, no matter how much it hurts, how much changes, or who we become and lose along the way. It is part of growing up.
However, let us be comfortable to admit that yes, it hurts. It hurts to see these dynamics change, relationships change, people change as we all grow up and follow these lists of concerns/interests/goals. Things will never be the same again, and I'll be the first to admit that as happy as it makes me, it also leaves me with a hovering feeling of sorrow I cannot shake off.
Like everyone else, I will grow too. Until then, I'll be hiding within the fort of mattresses as much as possible.
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