As part of this series, I promised to share parts of my application process to getting to medical school. I will be sharing snippets here and there, as I continue to reflect when moments arise on the unique experiences I've had at every interview I've done, with every person I've spoken to. None of them were simply questions. I've received pep talks and support. I've teared up in at least 2 interviews (call me unprofessional, but they were THAT deep). I've had people tell me I'm going to be a great doctor, a simply saying you wouldn't think would mean much until it is coming from an interviewer and you don't remember the last time you told yourself that because of your fear.
Here's little snippet of something I read the night before my first interview that has resonated with me since:
"Who you are today...that's who you are. Be brave. Be amazing. Be worthy. And every single time you get the chance? Stand up in front of people. Let them see you. Hear you. You breathe this rare air. You feel alive. You are truly finally always yourself."- Shonda Rhimes, Year of Yes.
First interviews are always the scariest. I would consider myself a pretty talkative person (my sister would emphasize that a hundred times...), and I never considered interviews as my weak area. After I wrote my essays for each school application, I remember telling myself that writing is a strong point of mine, but the interview will be the best part. I had been in enough situations over the past few years that made me look forward to being able to sit down with someone and explain myself, discuss my life choices, and give them my perspective. I was scared for this first interview, but only for obvious reasons, not because I felt outside of my comfort zone.
For obvious reasons, I will not be including the name of the school or location. That wouldn't change the point of my story. I hardly slept that night, and I woke up before the sun came up and quietly prayed and made dua, seeking help and guidance for Allah to give me the strength to handle what He sends my way. We will always be faced with challenges, so I do not like to ask for "easier" ones. I only ask for the strength to handle what He sends me.
After some time, I was finally ready (both physically dressed and mentally prepped) and repeated affirmations (no lie!) in my head about how they just wanted to get to know me, that they would not have asked any of us here had they not found us interesting and wanted to know more about us. We earned this position. Sometimes we forget that in the midst of being caught in the "test" of it all, the success or failure. However, at this point, this was not a test. Speaking to us would be a reassurance that they were choosing the right people, a few visual examples of who would have the character and confidence to sit opposite a patient and build their trust.
On the way to the school, my best friend reminded me to make friends. Such a silly little thing that we forget in times of stress, right? We are so caught up in the "competition" of it all that perhaps making friends is not always a thought. Once we arrived at the school and were seated in the hall for the presentations, I began to chat and introduce myself to the people sitting next to me. It definitely broke the tension, and we found ourselves laughing at our own nerves. I will say it made a huge difference to know people by name, to find that you share similar experiences, and to hear about your different ones. When we began to separate for our interviews, we had people to wish us good luck. We had friends. In those moments, I ignored that we are competing for seats because we may in fact be sitting in adjacent seats come next fall. We would be each other's support team, so why not start now?
After I was called back for my interview, I mentally repeated the same supplication over and over again while walking down the long and winding hall: “Oh Allah! Nothing is easy except what you have made easy. If you wish, you can make the difficult easy.” I was ready for this. Now was the moment to shine. Over the course of this interview season, my dad kept reminding me, "What have you got to lose now? Just do what you can and leave the rest." What did I have to lose? Nothing. I had 30 minutes to show them that they had made the right decision by thinking that I would turn into a student they would be proud to have, and a physician that would reflect the morals and qualities of hard-working individual committed to putting others before myself. I had nothing to lose.
I cannot go into the questions I answered, but I felt confident as I introduced myself and discussed why I wanted to be a physician and why I believed I have the abilities to be one. By the time the questioning was nearing the end, I felt as though I put all of myself on the table that sat between us. It was though we were both staring at everything I had said splayed out in front of us, as though I was showing him all my cards and proving why I thought I should win. It was the most fulfilling feeling, one that would compel me to tell my dad later on during the drive back home that even if I didn't get accepted anywhere, it was that feeling that made everything worthwhile. As the quote above stated, "Be worthy. And every single time you get the chance? Stand up in front of people. Let them see you. Hear you." I gave my interviewer my all. I let him see me to the best of my ability.
The most memorable part of the interview came when it was my turn to ask a question. I asked my interviewer how he perceived the diversity of the institution. He paused for a bit, and then moved the laptop that sat in front of him to the side. He leaned forward into the table, looked me straight in the eyes, and asked, "Are you asking if you are going to fit in?"
In my six years of living in this country, I have done my very best to hide my innermost fears. After one year of trying to convince myself I could fit in during high school, I tossed that idea aside and decided to PROVE that I could be a part of a community without this idea of "fitting in," as though we are all one of the colors of Fruit Loops cereal and if you were not one of those colors, who were out. I was the Honey Nut Cheerio in a bowl of Fruit Loops, determined to prove that cereal tasted better this way.
And yet, with all the covering up (figuratively and literally), all the talking about "breaking stereotypes," defeating the odds, proving my haters that they're wrong, being an advocate, representing a faith, turning into "the Muslim poster child" at my school, etc, etc, etc, there was still this fear hanging in the back of my head that my interviewer unwrapped from one question to reveal what I was actually trying to ask. I thought I got good at hiding it. In one second, he showed me what I was hiding, ripped away all the "fluff."
I was so stunned, and in a way slightly embarrassed that yes, I still cared about such a silly idea. I was fine being the Cheerio, but sometimes my desire to be a Fruit Loop came out in subtle ways. After 25 minutes of talking, I was speechless, so I simply nodded. The hat had fallen off. The be-a-representative-of-your-faith-and-ethnicity hat had been blown away, and it was just me sitting across from that interviewer, no fluff, no sugar, nothing. He was judging me, and I was beginning to regret asking that question. I felt weak and vulnerable when I had been strong and confident the entire time. However, I said what I had said. What have you got to lose now?
He took a deep breath and began to give me a pep talk I am sure I will remember and continuously reflect on for the rest of my student/professional life. He said, "You just spent 25 minutes proving to me why you deserved to be here, and now you are asking this?"
I wished I could reach for that hat again, find it, put it back on and go back to being confident and strong and-
"You already know you have to work harder than other people to get to where you need to be. But everything you just told me showed me that you are already capable of doing that, and you have already been doing that. You aren't going to let the way you look dictate your position among other people in a room or in a city. Based on what you've told me, you haven't before. So you're going to do exactly that now and in whatever institution you are at."
My deck of cards were splayed on the table, and they proved to him who I wanted him to believe I was. They showed him who I am. Have you ever felt as though you don't really see yourself and then someone tells you who you are, which really shouldn't surprise you all that much because they are saying this based on what you've done? We just don't always take a moment or two to recognize ourselves.
"What about the group of girls you told me you are actively working toward being their mentor, their friend?" He was referencing the girls youth group I facilitated each week. They were all ages 12-20, and I only hoped to instill in them the confidence they need to do everything they dream of doing while being proud of who they are. "Everything you do, you are showing them they can do. You are making some things easier for them to go through just by going through the harder parts yourself."
I could not control the tears that formed into my eyes. I aspired to become a mentor for my patients, and to prove that I could be, I had tried to become one in my own community. And he saw that.
I didn't need a hat. I didn't need some kind of cover. Underneath all the titles and descriptions and list of things under my name in my email, this was who I was. Even if I didn't get accepted, someone had seen me. I had succeeded in showing them who I was, English major, Muslim, Palestinian, woman, writer, poet, daughter, sister, student, all of it.
What do I want you to take from this?
You have no reason to think you are not good enough until someone sits across from you, looks at your deck of cards, and tells you that. We are our worst critics, but until someone has told you you do not deserve to be where you are, do not think that for a second. At this point, we just work harder and harder and aim for everything you invest your energy in to make some kind of difference in who you are. If the experience is bland and dry and not changing you as a person, find something more enriching.
I should add, I did in fact get accepted to this school, Alhamdulillah. None of this would have been possible without His grace.
"Who you are today...that's who you are. Be brave. Be amazing. Be worthy." -Shonda Rhimes.
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