A Year Outside of the Classroom: Chapter 15- Regaining Control

I have been away from the blog for some time...I know.

Sometimes you need a minute. 

I just recently finished interviewing for this cycle of medical school applications. No, I have not made a final decision. 

Sometimes if you want something bad enough,

your patience will be continuously tested

to see if you truly want it bad enough.

Don't get me wrong, alhamdulillah I have been blessed in more ways than one during this cycle. 

But I have grown in ways I was not prepared for.

I have written briefly in the past about how much I struggled mentally and emotionally while applying this past summer, and how that made the summer one of the hardest times for me to look back at. 

I have been terrified of going back to how I felt then.

That fear is one of the reasons that I have dedicated myself to working harder on myself than ever before. The simple act of being able to climb out of bed without a list of reasons why I should is an accomplishment. Being able to sit alone without being held down by my own anxious mind is a reason to feel proud. You see, fear does things to the mind that transmits to your body. I lived last summer in a constant state of fear, wondering how far Allah would test me until I'd finally reap the rewards of my hard work.

Yesterday, my best friend asked me about the moment I climbed out of that feeling. When did the constant fear stop? 

You see, in medicine, most of the process feels out of your control. Study study study, see a grade. Impress impress impress, an interviewer determines whether or not you're good enough. A score becomes one of your titles. You can accomplish your dreams, as long as you're this or that. Yes, you have a smile that could cure a village, but your score, do you have enough hours, are you well-rounded enough, how well-rounded, how hard have you worked, how badly do you want this, how badly do you deserve this.....?

Why should we give YOU a seat?

I spent years working toward BECOMING someone. But what about who I am now?

I am proud of my experiences. I am grateful to Allah for taking me where I have gone, putting through the steps that have made me who I am. 

Part of what made the fear this summer so terrible was that I graduated and was faced with figuring out who I am. I was about to spend a year trying to prove to schools to give me a chance and there would always be someone better. It's a paralyzing feeling to know there is not much you can do except show what you've got thus far. 

Show your deck of cards. 

But sometimes you need a minute. And I need a minute.

My first day working at the hospital in September, it was an 11 hour shift, the longest you can have at our ER. I was nervous, worried, desperate to be great. After three months of fear, I wanted to walk into the hospital and feel like this is where I belonged. But what if I didn't feel that? 

It was the first morning in weeks that I had jumped out of bed. I drank coffee with my mom and didn't worry about when I'd finally be able to convince myself to leave the house. I put on my scrubs, wrapped a bright scarf, and smiled at myself in the mirror. Today, I am closer to who I want to be than I was yesterday. 

What I hadn't realized was that that day, I was closer to who I wanted to be than I had been all summer. 

Eleven hours later, I called my best friend in tears. 

My life was beginning to make sense. 

The gap year.

The fear.

The light at the end of the tunnel. 

I was starting to see it. 

Thinking back to that day, I still get chills and grow emotional. That day was the first day the constant fear was gone for a little bit. And I knew I would be okay. 

The interview cycle is now over, and I no longer have to show my deck of cards. And as amazing as this cycle has been, I am so thankful it is over. 

I am a few months away from beginning the next step of the growth into the physician I have been dreaming of becoming. 

But I need to know who I am now. 

The steps that are out of my control are mostly over. There are a few months of some more waiting, but my part is over. Now is the time for me to experience things to make me better right now, not things that I can add to my resume to make me look better or sound better. 

In the seven years that I've lived in this country since moving back, I have never done that. I have never stopped working towards the next step. 

Now is the moment to regain control. 

Insha'Allah. God willing.