Sometimes I wish I could see the future.
Okay, not sometimes. A lot of times.
I wish I could find out how this semester of medical school will end. I wish I could know if my loved ones will live long enough to see my children's children. I wish I could know if a decision I am making now will be one that I come to regret.
I wish I could see my future self, to see if she has grown more, or if something has happened that caused her to crumble. Mostly, I want to see if she is fulfilled, if she is content. I want to know if her heart is full of satisfaction, if she made the right choice in her path, the right choice in her friends, and if she loved the right people.
I want to know if she is content with herself.
We are currently in our third block of the semester, meaning that after these set of exams, we are free for winter break (two weeks off, yipee!). Somehow, from where I am, I can't really see to that point. Medical school is all about taking life day by day because if I was to think about the amount of studying I need to get done between now and then, I'd completely overwhelm myself. So here I am, taking it one day at a time.
In the last post, I wrote about how challenging it is to balance school with interests in life that are unrelated to medical school. Since then, I have pushed myself to be more in touch with the part of me that got me here, the part that found her purpose through her involvement in activities unrelated to school. I returned to lead my youth group (and had another amazing discussion), volunteered in the children's ED and as a health room helper in an elementary school. I have been leaving my usual spot in the library and finding solace in the confines of coffee shops amidst their aromas that force me to forget the rest of the world.
I found ways to remember that I am still building myself. That means every part of myself: the professional, the health nut, the sister, the daughter, the friend, etc. How I deal with these challenges is shaping each one of those identities.
It has also brought me face to face with the fact that in order for anyone to grow into the best version of themselves, they must be comfortable with themselves.
They must be content with themselves.
No matter how hard I'll wish to know the future, there is something magical about watching your life unfold. It's beautiful to watch yourself carve aspects of your life with your own hands and put in as much work as possible. Then you get to step back and take a look at what you've made, at the person, the version of yourself you have shaped.
At some point (very soon!) the semester will end, and I will get to look back at how much work I've put in. I will witness my growth from the nervous but excited young woman who started school in August, so sure of herself and her path. She was content. Somewhere along the way, she felt life was becoming more complicated, she became worried about grades again, worried about how she was being perceived, worried about whether or not she was shaping herself in the best way she could be.
I wish I could back three months and tell her to remember to keep breathing, to remind her to stop life from sitting on her shoulders for too long and growing heavier and heavier by the day.
In the struggle to balance life and school, every once and a while, life has found a way to creep its way between my books and papers, surprising me and reminding me that it exists outside of the confines of the medical school library. I am reminded that I have friends/family who are traveling, getting married, having children, etc. People moving up in their careers, crushing more and more goals. People finding their people.
In those moments, it is hard not to look at the work in front of me and wish I was somewhere else. But then I remember that I am here building myself. One day, my parents will be proud of the hours I spend sitting here. Patients will thank me for being me, for working so hard to preserve myself and be the best version of myself for them. My person will be point me out in a crowd and say, "That girl. That woman. That's my life partner."
I am shaping myself into someone who will be content and fulfilled and satisfied with who she grows into. The efforts I put in now will make me a better daughter, sister, friend. They will make me a better mother. They will make me a better best friend and person to my significant other one day, the person who will respect me for the work I've put in to developing myself to build us, to build our family, and to give our family a woman to look up to and believe they can be what they want to be too. There will be someone to love my "complications" and respect me for them, just like I hope to respect and love what he contributes to making us us.
But until then, it is my job to focus on ways to make myself stronger, better, and more whole. Everything else will fall into place.
I wish I could know my future self just so I could tell her how excited I am to become her.
Okay, not sometimes. A lot of times.
I wish I could find out how this semester of medical school will end. I wish I could know if my loved ones will live long enough to see my children's children. I wish I could know if a decision I am making now will be one that I come to regret.
I wish I could see my future self, to see if she has grown more, or if something has happened that caused her to crumble. Mostly, I want to see if she is fulfilled, if she is content. I want to know if her heart is full of satisfaction, if she made the right choice in her path, the right choice in her friends, and if she loved the right people.
I want to know if she is content with herself.
We are currently in our third block of the semester, meaning that after these set of exams, we are free for winter break (two weeks off, yipee!). Somehow, from where I am, I can't really see to that point. Medical school is all about taking life day by day because if I was to think about the amount of studying I need to get done between now and then, I'd completely overwhelm myself. So here I am, taking it one day at a time.
In the last post, I wrote about how challenging it is to balance school with interests in life that are unrelated to medical school. Since then, I have pushed myself to be more in touch with the part of me that got me here, the part that found her purpose through her involvement in activities unrelated to school. I returned to lead my youth group (and had another amazing discussion), volunteered in the children's ED and as a health room helper in an elementary school. I have been leaving my usual spot in the library and finding solace in the confines of coffee shops amidst their aromas that force me to forget the rest of the world.
I found ways to remember that I am still building myself. That means every part of myself: the professional, the health nut, the sister, the daughter, the friend, etc. How I deal with these challenges is shaping each one of those identities.
It has also brought me face to face with the fact that in order for anyone to grow into the best version of themselves, they must be comfortable with themselves.
They must be content with themselves.
No matter how hard I'll wish to know the future, there is something magical about watching your life unfold. It's beautiful to watch yourself carve aspects of your life with your own hands and put in as much work as possible. Then you get to step back and take a look at what you've made, at the person, the version of yourself you have shaped.
At some point (very soon!) the semester will end, and I will get to look back at how much work I've put in. I will witness my growth from the nervous but excited young woman who started school in August, so sure of herself and her path. She was content. Somewhere along the way, she felt life was becoming more complicated, she became worried about grades again, worried about how she was being perceived, worried about whether or not she was shaping herself in the best way she could be.
I wish I could back three months and tell her to remember to keep breathing, to remind her to stop life from sitting on her shoulders for too long and growing heavier and heavier by the day.
In the struggle to balance life and school, every once and a while, life has found a way to creep its way between my books and papers, surprising me and reminding me that it exists outside of the confines of the medical school library. I am reminded that I have friends/family who are traveling, getting married, having children, etc. People moving up in their careers, crushing more and more goals. People finding their people.
In those moments, it is hard not to look at the work in front of me and wish I was somewhere else. But then I remember that I am here building myself. One day, my parents will be proud of the hours I spend sitting here. Patients will thank me for being me, for working so hard to preserve myself and be the best version of myself for them. My person will be point me out in a crowd and say, "That girl. That woman. That's my life partner."
I am shaping myself into someone who will be content and fulfilled and satisfied with who she grows into. The efforts I put in now will make me a better daughter, sister, friend. They will make me a better mother. They will make me a better best friend and person to my significant other one day, the person who will respect me for the work I've put in to developing myself to build us, to build our family, and to give our family a woman to look up to and believe they can be what they want to be too. There will be someone to love my "complications" and respect me for them, just like I hope to respect and love what he contributes to making us us.
But until then, it is my job to focus on ways to make myself stronger, better, and more whole. Everything else will fall into place.
I wish I could know my future self just so I could tell her how excited I am to become her.
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