I don't know if every person in the world has this moment in their life where they finally feel like they're doing what they were meant to do, if there's that one moment where they finally feel like they've found themselves after those frustrating years of trying to desperately discover yourself, and failing miserably. Because if there is that moment, then I feel like I'm getting close to it.
Earlier this week I made the decision to go to one of many open mics that happen locally, and it had been a while since I'd gone to one. By a while, I mean the last time I went to one was last summer. And let me tell you something. It's not easy to go up and read some of your work, not because it can be an intimidating experience to make the decision to go up and read (which is a reason), but more because it's hard to write something that you look at and say, THIS! THIS I AM READING IN FRONT OF A CROWD!
I'm fine with reading in front of people. I feel lucky to be able to say that. But I go on and feel nervous mainly because of what I am reading. Earlier in December, I read a poem about Palestine in front of an even bigger crowd than the one at the open mic, but they were people I didn't know, other than my family and my best friend.
This week's open mic had my friends and people who've read my writing for the past two years. And they've watched it change and develop as I've been trying to find what I like to write about. Here's what was intimidating about this week's open mic: four of my good friends came to watch me, 3 of who didn't know I wrote until that day, and because some people had some kind of expectation of what I was going to read. But every time, it's something different. I like to think that every time I get stronger, my voice gets more powerful, my heart brings out the right emotions and helps me read.
I like to think that no matter what I've written, the Palestinian in me always comes out, whether it is obvious or not. And it seems as though the more I bring out the part of me, the harder it becomes to perform, but the better reaction I get from people. Mainly because I bring in a perspective that people who don't know me wouldn't know much about. And by listening to me, they'd get to hear exactly what it was like to live in Palestine, a land troubled with conflict for the past 65 years, and to know what it's like to live as a Muslim American, trying to be a Muslim while fighting to prove you're an American. It gets tiring and some people don't understand. That is when I write and write and write.
And then read it to people.
It was an exhilarating experience to say the least. The poem I read was one I had written about two days before. My friends got to see the real me that they didn't get to see on campus,and the people who knew me from before got to see and hear a new perspective. They even asked me to read again, and I ended up reading the poem I read in early December in front of the large crowd, which was about a very personal story of when I lived in Palestine. And since I read it after reading the first poem, which was one that had a lot of strength and passion in it, this one was quite sad, and it was hard not to get emotional, especially when you see people looking up at you in anticipation this time because they're actually looking forward to listening to you.
I guess it's every writer's dream to capture an audience like that. To be able to look at every one of them and find their eyes glued to yours, to find people nodding with your words, to find them smile when you smile, to see them frown when you read a part that's hard for you to read. No, it SHOULD be every writer's dream to connect to their audience like that. Not just because you want them to like your work, but because it makes the experience so much better for you.
Going back to when I said I felt like I was getting really close to finding myself, I say that because at that moment, with everyone's eyes glued to mine, with their ears open listening to my words, I felt like I could stand up there for the rest of eternity. I felt that I could make up poems as I stood there in front of them just because I had so much I wanted them to hear! So much that the world needs to know about the Middle East, about little children, about poverty. There's so much that the world needs to know about how American children can go there and anything they see sticks to their memories even more than to a child who's lived there his whole life, mainly because the American child is used to living in the land of the free that they understand that all this injustice and occupation ISN'T the way life should be. And as an American child who's been through exactly that, I want to let the world know. I want to spend the rest of my life being this person and letting the world know what it's trying to be ignorant about.
We need to dream about helping this world, dreamers. It's up to our generation and those who follow us.
-Wishful Dreamer
Comment! :)
Earlier this week I made the decision to go to one of many open mics that happen locally, and it had been a while since I'd gone to one. By a while, I mean the last time I went to one was last summer. And let me tell you something. It's not easy to go up and read some of your work, not because it can be an intimidating experience to make the decision to go up and read (which is a reason), but more because it's hard to write something that you look at and say, THIS! THIS I AM READING IN FRONT OF A CROWD!
I'm fine with reading in front of people. I feel lucky to be able to say that. But I go on and feel nervous mainly because of what I am reading. Earlier in December, I read a poem about Palestine in front of an even bigger crowd than the one at the open mic, but they were people I didn't know, other than my family and my best friend.
This week's open mic had my friends and people who've read my writing for the past two years. And they've watched it change and develop as I've been trying to find what I like to write about. Here's what was intimidating about this week's open mic: four of my good friends came to watch me, 3 of who didn't know I wrote until that day, and because some people had some kind of expectation of what I was going to read. But every time, it's something different. I like to think that every time I get stronger, my voice gets more powerful, my heart brings out the right emotions and helps me read.
I like to think that no matter what I've written, the Palestinian in me always comes out, whether it is obvious or not. And it seems as though the more I bring out the part of me, the harder it becomes to perform, but the better reaction I get from people. Mainly because I bring in a perspective that people who don't know me wouldn't know much about. And by listening to me, they'd get to hear exactly what it was like to live in Palestine, a land troubled with conflict for the past 65 years, and to know what it's like to live as a Muslim American, trying to be a Muslim while fighting to prove you're an American. It gets tiring and some people don't understand. That is when I write and write and write.
And then read it to people.
It was an exhilarating experience to say the least. The poem I read was one I had written about two days before. My friends got to see the real me that they didn't get to see on campus,and the people who knew me from before got to see and hear a new perspective. They even asked me to read again, and I ended up reading the poem I read in early December in front of the large crowd, which was about a very personal story of when I lived in Palestine. And since I read it after reading the first poem, which was one that had a lot of strength and passion in it, this one was quite sad, and it was hard not to get emotional, especially when you see people looking up at you in anticipation this time because they're actually looking forward to listening to you.
I guess it's every writer's dream to capture an audience like that. To be able to look at every one of them and find their eyes glued to yours, to find people nodding with your words, to find them smile when you smile, to see them frown when you read a part that's hard for you to read. No, it SHOULD be every writer's dream to connect to their audience like that. Not just because you want them to like your work, but because it makes the experience so much better for you.
Going back to when I said I felt like I was getting really close to finding myself, I say that because at that moment, with everyone's eyes glued to mine, with their ears open listening to my words, I felt like I could stand up there for the rest of eternity. I felt that I could make up poems as I stood there in front of them just because I had so much I wanted them to hear! So much that the world needs to know about the Middle East, about little children, about poverty. There's so much that the world needs to know about how American children can go there and anything they see sticks to their memories even more than to a child who's lived there his whole life, mainly because the American child is used to living in the land of the free that they understand that all this injustice and occupation ISN'T the way life should be. And as an American child who's been through exactly that, I want to let the world know. I want to spend the rest of my life being this person and letting the world know what it's trying to be ignorant about.
We need to dream about helping this world, dreamers. It's up to our generation and those who follow us.
-Wishful Dreamer
Comment! :)
I am one of those friends who was lucky enough to learn about this side of you just a week ago. I personally have never been to an open mike night before, and it was a really unique experience. I've never really had the opportunity to hear people read their own work out loud before. You truly captivated the whole room. It was obvious that you were speaking from your heart, and you were passionate about expressing it to everyone else. Only you can share your experiences and emotions, and you did it in an extremely powerful way. It gave me goosebumps, and I was astonished that I didn't know about this side of you before because it was clearly a very big piece of who you are. Thank you for sharing it with me. You have inspired me to go look and find something that is as important to me as that is to you. I really hope that you never stop writing!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your honest and inspiring words! It meant so much to me to have you there and to be able to show you that side of my by literally showing you! I really hope you can join me again and that I don't let you down!
DeleteThanks for being one of the tremendous people in my life who are willing to listen to what I have to say! :)